Afraid of her Chinese family's traditional beliefs

by Zooey

"She doesn't know what to do or what to say to her mother..."

My partner and I love each other but she is afraid of being committed because of her Chinese family tradition? What should I do? I am a dyke, and a freshman studying Law in same college as her. I met her and fell in love with her first.

She is almost the smartest girl in the college. She’s a third year student, but it’s not about the age difference because we both have same age. She is Chinese, and so she loves, respects and appreciates her family so much.

She has 6 siblings and she is the youngest.

I have been waiting and loving her for 3 months. At the very first she tried to resist me by asking me to be her little sister, as I am younger than her by 3 months.

I gave in to her, because it is what she wants. But I still kept telling her “I love you.” Then she asked me to be her best friend and again I agreed.

Finally we phoned each other almost everyday, and we talked and laughed. I think we are a little bit closer, more and more each day.

Suddenly she changed the situation by asking me to stop loving her. She told me that we aren't close. I didn't know what to do, but again I agreed to follow her word.

I can't stand to try to keep distant from her.

By chance, we attended the same party and I offered her a ride to her dormitory...and we kissed. Not actually a real kiss, but we did kiss.

The next day she said to me that I put her in a tough spot because I don't know her situation.

So I asked her to tell me.

She told me that her mother has already arranged a wedding for her with a Chinese guy, but her mother will not force her to marry him.

She also didn't plan anything about marriage yet. Her mother let her freely love, but just on the condition that she has to let her mother know who she is seeing or staying with.

She has never lied to anyone - especially her lovely family.

Her mother particularly prefers that she dates Chinese than other people.

I kept quiet while she explained all this to me.

Then I asked her if she loves me. She said “Yes,” but she can not accept me any further than this.

She doesn't know what to do or what to say to her mother and the whole family if she decided to go on with me.

As a Chinese Mother, would you give me some advice or some suggestions being in this kind of situation. I just don’t know what to do and she doesn’t either.

Thank you so much for this website.

Christina's Answer:

Nihao,

Being a mother, I completely understand why her mother prefers Chinese guys to be her son-in-law.

When my girl grows up, I would like her to choose a Chinese guy, too. Why? We both enjoy the same culture. We are influenced by the same customs and habits. We have a lot in common.

Actually Chinese people are more open to homosexuality than you might expect. They still will stay friends with those who turned out to be homosexual. They still enjoy lots of the rights as other people, for instance, education, work, etc.

But to a Chinese mother, when she discovers her daughter is a lesbian, she would still feel hurt at first.

She hopes her daughter to be so-called “normal,” -- to fall in love with a man, get married with him, bear her own kids. And all her life to be smooth.

That doesn't mean she hates lesbians or discriminates against homosexual people. It’s just because she loves her kids, and she doesn't want her kids to get hurt.

But if her daughter really loves her partner, and consistently stays together with her, then her mother would be the first one to stand by her to support and protect her. The only aim for a Chinese mother is to hope her daughter will be happy.

So I think your girlfriend should first talk with her mother with homosexual topics to probe her attitude towards your relationship.

Then, introduce you to her first as a good friend. And then step-by-step let her know your relationship.

If you both do love each other, and couldn't live without each other and can sacrifice everything for your love, then perhaps a transsexual operation would be helpful for her mother to accept you.

Best wishes,

Christina

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Afraid of her Chinese family's traditional beliefs

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Apr 11, 2013

It’s not your job to convince anyone of anything.
by: Jeff

You are in one of the most difficult situations when it comes to winning the acceptance and approval of Chinese parents.

Understand that traditional Chinese parents usually become a part of their children’s household. They expect their children to help support them. They look forward to caring for their grandchildren. This is part of their honored responsibility to their family.

Her parents could be open minded about sexuality, but they may want her to lead a traditional life so they can fulfil their role as the family elders.

Fortunately, you have something big in your favor. She has plenty of brothers and sisters.

So even if your lover decides to abandon tradition, her parents can still fulfill their family role.

If I were addressing your lover, there are a few things she could do to try and ease her parent’s concerns.

She could probe them delicately and mention some same-sex couples casually and gauge their reaction. She could highlight some examples of celebrity same-sex couples who are very happy and successful in life.

But I’m not writing to your lover. This is for you.

And you can’t control what’s going on with her parents or how they feel about you. You can’t even control your own lover.

The good news is that you can control your thoughts and your emotions around the situation. And that’s the first step to help you feel better.

Rather than trying to get in there yourself and orchestrate all these factors that you have no control over so that you can feel better about your relationship - let’s turn the whole thing upside down.

First, start to feel better about the relationship.

How? By letting go of the details and thinking more generally about the entire situation.

Realize that you aren’t the first one to be in this predicament. There are over a billion Chinese people on the planet. Even if only 1% of them (and you and I both know it’s much, much higher) have a successful, same-sex relationship...that’s over a million people who have gone before you.

Remember it’s not your job to convince anyone of anything. Your purpose in this relationship is to love and enjoy it. Let go of insisting that there is only one way, one person, or one channel for your happiness.

You can never win the approval of everyone. That’s impossible - there are too many people out there with too many agendas.

When you approve of yourself, and believe wholeheartedly that you are the best thing on this planet for the one you love...then others will feel compelled to approve of you too.

Ultimately, her parents do wish her happiness and joy. And if you strongly intend to offer her the most happiness - her parents will pick up on your powerful intention.

Then those around you will watch in amazement as you and your lover do achieve the “impossible” relationship.

Apr 19, 2012

thank you so much
by: Anonymous

thank you so much,
You are really kind through your answer.
thank you so much

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