Troubled in Love with my Chinese Fiancee

(Canada)

"Are the canceled wedding plans a major disappointment?"

I met my Chinese fiancée online 7 months ago. We hit it off slowly and surely. She is 42, divorced, with a 17 year old daughter. I am separated, now 50, almost divorced, with 2 kids (9 and 4). The youngest coincidentally was adopted in China 3 years ago. I live in Canada and have a great job, my own house, good income, etc.

I visited her in Chengdu 4 months ago, and her parents vacated the apartment so I could stay.

I was a "gentleman" the whole time and slept alone in the parents bed, while she and her daughter shared a room.

We were inseparable during the day. She took a week off to take me around - the most wonderful time of my life.

I got along well with her daughter and parents and was introduced to her friends. I was a little uncertain, but knew both our circumstances warranted it - so I proposed and she accepted.

I returned home. Since then it even got better. We had daily e-mails and weekend Skypes. Her nephew visited my home here and stayed for 4 days.

Then trouble hit 3 weeks ago.

I planned to come to China with my kids and marry her in August. We were making plans.

Unfortunately I was overoptimistic about the bureaucracy of getting a divorce.

I filed for divorce with the courts. Even though everything is worked out, I may not get a certificate for up to 6 months because of their backlog.

At the same time she seems very busy at work, taking on projects that are now filling her day from 6 am to 6 pm.

She said she took these on so her daughter could be proud of her.

She also started an English class after work in the evenings.

A couple of times she wrote to say she is tired and exhausted. She completely forgot my 50th birthday last week.

Now she is apparently gone or going away for a week with work. I don't know because she doesn't explain it well. Our daily e-mails (400 of them since we met) up until last month have now dried up to 1 or 2 apologies a week for the last 3 weeks.

I am despondent.

I cannot even tell her, because all efforts up to now fell on deaf, or tired ears. Her English comprehension is not that good, although Google doesn't mangle everything.

I should say that she has been saying she would love me forever, she is lucky to fall in love with me etc., even up to 10 days ago or so.

What do you think has happened here? She could be truly run off her feet, but so much that she has no contact with me, her fiancé? Am I truly an idiot?

Are the canceled wedding plans a major disappointment? She said no, but I wonder. (Incidentally I lost $600 on canceled airline tickets because of that).

What can I do?

I know life is not easy or straight-forward for a divorced, older Chinese woman. My best option seems to keep a stiff upper lip and wait for her to contact me. I am still making plans for us (getting passports together for my kids sending her daughter English books, etc.)

My problem is this is really affecting me emotionally.

She is the true love of my life. For this long-distance relationship, I have learned to trust in a way I would not in my country.

I have never loved like this before and now it is reducing me to nightly tears. Good thing this is the Internet as I wouldn't admit it otherwise.

Any words you may have are appreciated.

Victoria's Answer:

Hello,

Many reasons caused the changes, and the most important ones are:

The canceled wedding plans made her disappointed. Although she said it was no problem, most of that communication happened on the Internet, not in real life.
You are not really single yet. You haven't divorced. She might feel you were not serious with your relationship or just playing with her.
She was too busy recently. Working from early morning till late in the afternoon plus taking English classes (I guess she wants to understand you better, a good sign!)...there isn't as much time as she had before.

According to your words, she does love you and is serious with the relationship. She wants to get married with you and she is working hard for it.

My suggestion is that you contact her first. Don't wait for her to contact you, otherwise I am afraid she will go away in the end.

Be patient and do what you can to let her know that you canceled the wedding plans because you had no other choice.

She introduced you to her family and friends. They surely also knew about your wedding plans, but it turns out to be canceled. You can imagine how she feels.

And now you are making plans again, God knows what would happen this time?

Actually if I were you, I would consider flying to Chengdu to meet her and explain this to her face to face. Then return to Canada and get those passports for your kids and the rest of your paperwork.

Wish you good luck!

Victoria

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Troubled in Love with my Chinese Fiancee

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Love or Proper Procedure - which is more important to you?
by: Jeff

I went through a very similar situation to you - I'm also a Canadian and I was separated when I met my Chinese wife (who's also Sichuan like your fiancee).

Here's how we resolved the situation.

We held a complete wedding ceremony in China, with friends, family and everything but signing the paper. In Chinese weddings, the signing of the documents isn't usually part of the ceremony anyway - it usually happens on a different day in a government office somewhere.

So after our Chinese wedding ceremony, we applied for her visa back to Canada. We explained exactly our situation - and the Canadian officials understood completely. Who better to understand bureaucratic delays?

After we arrived back in Canada, I took care of my divorce paperwork and then we were married with the official signing of the paper. We also held a Canadian wedding ceremony for family and friends in Canada.

I hope you see a few other helpful possibilities here that you could adapt to your own situation.

Best wishes!

Jeff

Correcting Some Canadian Immigration Points
by: Anonymous

Hey Jeff,

We should maybe discuss some of those immigration points for innocent readers:

1. First of all if applying to immigrate to Canada as your spouse, you would have had to be actually married to her, or have proof of living common-law for at least at year (in China). You didn't mention if this was the case for you. Also, a spouse/partner does not get a "visa", they immigrate under Family Class Sponsorship.

2. You say "We explained exactly our situation - and the Canadian officials understood completely." - what, are you kidding !! What decade was that?? Everything is by regulation these days. A single woman coming to meet a man in Canada is obviously immigrating and would not get a Tourist Visa, from what I have read/heard. Also, there is much concern over "marriages-of-convenience these days.

3. Next step after marrying her in China (or applying as common-law wife is the complex, thorough immigration application. This takes from 4-18 months depending on where in China she is applying from. I have also heard there is a high rate of rejections.

Immigration
by: Jeff

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks for sharing your point of view.

I'm by no means an immigration expert, and you're right - it was a number of years ago. I'm sure things have changed, it seems like the rules change all the time.

All I know is my own experience. That's the path we took, and it worked for us.

Having said that, we did apply for a visitor visa one year earlier. That visa was denied - but it certainly helped to prove that we had a serious relationship going for a period of time.

The immigration officials at the embassy in Beijing were warm and understanding. I have a feeling that although there are regulations and rules, each individual situation is also considered.

Thanks again for sharing your knowledge of the immigration regulations.

Jeff

A clarification
by: Jeff

Oops - after more thought, I realized where the misunderstanding was.

Thank you again for expressing your concerns, because I'm sure others may have a similar interpretation of what I wrote, and I don't mean to mislead anyone.

When we entered Canada for the first time, it was on a 6 month visitor visa. Not a family class sponsorship.

The visitor visa was granted so we could hold the marriage ceremony in Canada.

I think we extended the visitor visa by a month or two, then we returned to China. After a year or two in China, then we applied for the family class sponsorship.

What I'm suggesting to the original person who asked the question, is that they consider going for a shorter term visa that's easier to get... instead of the family class sponsorship - which is more difficult.

It also might seem like they are rushing things.

In my experience, we fully complied with all the regulations, but we also found a way to hold our Chinese wedding when we wanted to, and later immigrate to Canada.

Hope that makes sense. If you think it could be helpful, perhaps I'll write a full article on that story.

Thanks again for expressing your concerns - your input made this much more useful and clear for future readers.

Jeff

Thanks Victoria!
by: Anonymous

Thanks Victoria,

Out of all the comments here and on other sites, your's was the most spot on, I think. My fiancee and I are back re-planning a wedding for this fall. I am now officially divorced (last week). I did a few things that may of helped - flowers sent, and I laboriously hand-copied Chinese characters for the poem about the Cowherd and the Weaver Maiden. I mailed it to her for Qixi - Chinese Valentines day in August. It was just the thing - she showed it to all her family and her parents commented on how good my writing was - better than many Chinese people! I think any lost face has been regained.

So I am not so troubled now - ... just in love. However the enormity of what we are doing is starting to weigh in. Can love really conquer all these barriers we face ? - cultural, distance, even attitudes from friends and others. I think it takes a very special type of person to want to trust in love like this. I hope we can be like that our whole life.

I hope to have an even happier update in another month.

Regards,
G

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