Why is she afraid of my love?

by Pedro

I do understand a lot of my love situation and I would like also to let you know more and more about my love, (Xiao Lin), and about me so you may advise more.

I come from an open minded culture. I was afraid of that culture difference but after years of loving her truly and hiding my love and also thinking deeply, especially after I told her that I love her (a year after we met each other) and she explained that it would be hard for her and me. So we stayed best friends for 4 years.

In the last 2 years, our relationship started to drive each other crazy more and more. Especially as I treat her daughter as my own girl and also she treats my daughter too as her own kid. In my religion and culture you can have more than 1 wife (on the condition that you are fair with both of them) and we treat each other fairly.

Of course we don't always succeed to be fair -- but with true love everything can be solved!

Last year her daughter told her that she allowed Xiao Lin to have a boyfriend. But her daughter does not want more brothers or sisters, especially because she already has 4 brothers from her Dad's side.

After that, Xiao Lin decided to stay in China for 6 months. We thought that our relationship would end. But I kept in contact with her and I was so happy that she sent me her number in China by email.

When she came back we became closer. For 1 month, we spoke or met each day. But one day I felt in her that she became afraid again. So I gave her time for 1 month. Now we are good.

Last time I felt we were so in love. She even invited me to go up to her home. But I wasn't in a hurry to make this move because even though she kept asking me “Are you sure that you do not want to go up to my home?” ...I felt that she was still afraid inside.

I told her, “Not today.”

And after 2 more days, I really did go up to her home. But she behaved like a friend as usual and we just talked for a while. So I feel that she still has doubts and some worries. I respect her and her feelings.

I do not mind to keep loving her without physical contact. For 5 years now we did not even touch each other. I do not mind and I understand her totally. I am ready to marry her but I understand her situation. It just hurts me that we love each other but we cannot say it to each other!

Especially this love from my side. It becomes more and more day after day. If I love her like this for 5 years already, I think it is true love and she is the love of my life.

Dear Victoria, also in my culture it is hard:

to marry a foreigner
to date a woman who is older than you
to build a relationship with someone of a different religion

...but I am ready to make this effort for her!

I'm just also afraid if I told her sincerely, then she might become far from me. Because I know her...she just goes away if she feels afraid of something or someone. You know, I asked her to marry me once and she answered “Yes!”

And after 10 minutes, she was so scared. She said, “Let's consider that as a joke.”

What makes me feel that she knows that I love her is because she knows I feel jealous sometimes. She will sit beside me and explain where she was last night. She tells me to stop worrying or feeling jealous because she can manage such people around her.

Many thanks, my friend Victoria. I wrote a big question, sorry for that. But it is good to discuss these things with a lady also from the same culture of my love, Xiao Lin.

Many thanks and best regards,

Pedro

Victoria's answer:

Pedro Ni hao,

Thanks for your question.

I have read your words many times, and each time I read it, I feel deeply impressed by your love to her. I am sure you two will have a bright future, believe me.

In China, to have more than one wife or husband is against the law. Both sides would get punished by the government. This might be one problem between you and Xiao Lin. If you two live in your country, as time goes by, and as Xiao Lin knows more about you and your culture, she will get used to the culture.

But if you live in China, there is little possibility for you to get married with her when you have a wife back in your country.

I am moved by your love to Xiao Lin, and I feel glad to hear that you two treat each other's kids as your own. That is hard for most people.

And you have great consideration for her feelings and her situation. You two remain good friends for 4 years, and did not touch each other. That is even harder and so precious, and I can feel how much you respect her.

Xiao Lin sent you her phone number in China. I am sure that she at least likes you. As for her daughter, she allowed her mother to have new boyfriend, that is a good sign. You can treat her as your own girl and as time goes by, she will finally accept you as her step-father. Even though she would have more sisters or brothers than she wanted, she would be moved by your sincerity.

And for Xiao Lin, she invites you to her house and you felt she was afraid. I think you need to talk with her alone - just you two. You can go to walk in the park, or go to the seaside where it's romantic - and relax. Then ask her about her worries.

Once you know what she is worried about, then you can find a way out. There is not any problem without a solution!

Pedro, just keep going, and find out her worries, and tell me if I can help.

Best regards,

Victoria